Hi, my name is Carol. I am 25 years old and I am going to tell you about my journey of adoption. Adoption is with you your whole life. God, our Heavenly Father, has adopted us as his own. We are his children and will always be his children.
Around the end of November 2007, I got into a relationship with a man we will just call Bob. I was in a vulnerable state of mind at the time. A single mother of two young children from a previous marriage. My children at the time were 4 ½ and 2 ½. I really wanted to be in a relationship and felt so alone that it ended up being with the next guy I thought could be part of my life. Bob and I hit it off really great. He knew how to make me laugh. We spent a lot of time together and he loved my kids. I thought he was great until I started to get to know the real him. By this time, I already started to (what I thought was) love him. I started to see the defects. But when you get fooled with love, you accept pretty much whatever comes your way. He was living with his mother at the time at age of 28. He had no Job and had 2 kids from previous relationships. He also had a huge problem with drinking. He didn’t think he did. He thought everyone else had a problem and not him. This is a sign of an alcoholic in denial. I thought that since no one else was going to love him, I should. I wanted to be the one who helped him and take care of him. I later realized you can’t help someone who is like this. They have to want help and seek it. They need to realize that they are powerless and to accept the changes they will have to make. At that time, I did not know this. His abuse started to kick in. He became jealous and controlling. I thought that I would never get into this kind of relationship again after what I went through with my ex-husband. I figured, well, if this is how it is, this is how it is.
I made a mistake of letting him move in with me after knowing him for only a month. He started to take advantage of it. He then thought he could have full control of me now because he would be the man of the house. He had no respect and put me and my kids down a lot of the time. We could not enjoy going anywhere without ending it in a fight. He was very manipulative with his words. Almost always putting me in a guilt trip. He would use what I said against me. I really didn’t know how to work a relationship and neither did he. This left us at each other’s throat most often.
One night, in late January 2008, he beat me truly bad and broke a lot of my possessions. I cried and cried asking God what to do. “God help me please. I just want this to stop, what do I do. Please show me, tell me, what to do.” I finally got the courage to call the police, but it had to be hidden. I waited for him to go in the garage to smoke. When he finally did, I ran to the phone and quickly dialed 911. I didn’t let it ring enough to answer. I was moreover scared he would walk in and see I was on the phone for some odd reason at 2am. I did let it ring enough for the dispatch to locate where the call was coming from. (My house). I ran to my room and laid down, nervously shaking trying to calm down to not rise suspicion in him when he returned. He came into my room and started to finally pass out after having a case of beer and vodka to himself. Ten to twenty minutes later, I heard a knock at the door. I thought “Thank God” but I pulled a surprise look on my face so he wouldn’t think I called the cops. He asked “who the heck is that? It’s 3am!” I lied and told him I him I had no clue. I got up to answer the door. The cops were here. I have never been so happy to see policemen in my life. I stepped outside and closed the door to speak with them. I told them what happened. They went inside, grabbed and threw him down and put him in handcuffs. Bob looked at me with surprise and confusion. They took him away and I felt relief. I couldn’t really sleep the rest of the night. What just happened, kept going on in my head. The next few weeks I felt confusion and abandonment. I also felt guilt, although these are feelings I should not have, I had them. I had a no contact order against him and at that time it felt like peace. It was best to have it. About a month after he got out of jail, March, he called me, telling me he would never do this again and we should patch things up. I, being naïve, thought maybe he is getting help and doing better. I started seeing him against the courts. After a few weeks, the abuse started again and by May 10th I got pregnant by him.
I found out late June. I was excited, yet nervous. I was excited about having a baby. I love babies and wanted another one, but not in the situation I was in. I started to realize, no way could I be with Bob the way he is with a baby in tow. I was fearful of him doing more harm and that we would be just another broken dysfunctional family. I had already gone against God’s will for me, by going back to him. The best I could do is stay away from him and raise this baby on my own along with my two other children. If I was able to do it for 4 years with two kids, I could do it with another child. My two children were already excited to have a new baby sister or brother. The kids and I planned many things for the new baby; what we would name him or her, what he or she would look like. They both wanted a baby brother or sister for a long time and were happy to have one soon. By late July/August, I cut off contact with Bob. This made him extremely upset. I hid my pregnancy from practically everyone but; my mom, Bob, and a close friend. I was ashamed and alone. Bob started to harass my friends and then me. I called the police a few times and they put him in jail for violation of the no-contact order. By October 31st he called again and harassed me and threatened me extremely. I told him I lost the baby and that he has no reason to ever call me again. I hung up and called the police yet again. I could not handle this anymore. My children needed me, and no man was to ever hurt us again. The police picked him up and I have never heard from him again. A month later I met a man named Josh. I started to get to know him and like him. I was 7 months pregnant at the time and wasn’t really looking to get in another relationship due to the previous disaster I was in. We started off just talking and getting to know each other. He was surprisingly well with the idea of me pregnant with another man’s baby. I thought he was crazy for liking me, though I was pregnant. He is a man of Christ and I needed this. We got to know each other and laid everything out on the table. We were being completely honest with each other. This is a new thing for me, but I was ready for anything the Lord had in store for me. After a few weeks of getting to know each other, I decided to introduce him to my kids. My kids fell in love with him the minute they met him and so did I. God had answered my prayers. A few weeks later my son came up to me and said, “I am glad you chose Josh. I really, really like him. He is good to you and good to us!” I started to cry. This made me so happy. I finally have someone amazingly wonderful in my life and my kids love him. We spent the weekends together with the kids, doing all sorts of activities. I have never been so happy and healthy in my life. I was ready for change. We started going to church together and reading the bible together, along with also praying together and still do. This is what I have been needing my whole life. It took some obstacles to get through in order for me to really appreciate something so beautiful like our relationship with each other and with the Lord.
By the end of December of 2008, I was at the morning service at church and adoption came to my thoughts. This was the Lord coming through to me. “Adoption?” I heard in my thoughts, “What…Why?” “That would be way too hard!” I started crying. (as you can tell I am an emotional person) and then I prayed for comfort. I thought about adoption all day long. Over and over it went through my head. It was such a strong feeling. I couldn’t ignore it. I spoke with Josh about it and he said he would support me with either decision I made. If I kept the baby or if I placed the baby for adoption.
The next day I went to an adoption agency called C.A.S.I Foundation. The lady there was wonderful to me. She was exceedingly caring to me and quit understanding. I felt so much better about the decision more and more. She gave me a group of profiles to take home and look through. I came home and started immediately. I started to think about; what I wanted for this baby girl inside me, what these families had to offer. I looked for couples who; were real, loved each other unconditionally along with the Lord, a stay-at-home mother to give all the motherly love and attention to her, and most of all, a loving father. This baby needed both parents in her life. I also wanted her to have a big family. I had the profiles for two weeks. I went through them over and over, yet nothing seems to click with me. They are all wonderful potential parents, but not for me. I started to get overwhelmed, but knew that this was the only decision I was going to make for this baby. I told a friend of mine I was going to place this baby for adoption and she said that she is on my side. She will support either decision I make. I felt good knowing I had support in this. Later on that week she emailed me, telling me that her brother and his wife are looking to adopt. They have a little boy that is 5 and they now can’t have any more kid’s cause of fertility problems. She told me no pressure but to think about it. She then came over the next week with their profile. I took a look through it. I started to like what I was reading. A few thoughts came across; if I choose them, that means there would be a possibility I may run into them later on, cause of them being related to my friend, or, would it be too hard knowing they have my child and knowing I am friends with her (baby) aunt. I prayed so hard for the Lord to give me all the answers. Yet I couldn’t find any. I got a new batch of profiles from C.A.S.I and went through them. One couple I took interest in, but was not 100% sure. I thought about calling them but held back. There, lying amongst the other profiles was my friends brother and wife’s’ profile gleaming at me. I picked it up once more, staring at it for an hour, going through my pros and cons of this family. I still wasn’t sure. This decision was the hardest of them all. I just wanted to pick it out of a hat. I know that that wouldn’t be the right idea though.
I remember I was downtown driving during the day for some reason in mid January. I called up my friend and told her, “So, do you think (Jack and Jill) want to be parents again?” (Jack and Jill is not their real names)
My friend started to cry, “Are you serious? Really? This is such great news!” I felt so much peace. This is it, this is my answer.
I was told to call LDS services and set up an appointment with the family’s caseworker. I did.
I also returned the profiles back to C.A.S.I Foundation.
I had an appointment with the case worker that Friday. A week before I had my baby. I was set up to meet the family.
I was quite nervous that morning of the meeting. My son was at school and my daughter came along to the meeting with me. When I walked in the room, I felt much peace with this family. They were so happy to see me as well as I was to see them. I had a list of questions I asked them and they answered them all. I was happy with my decision. I got to know them and they got to know me. I told them that they could be at the hospital and that they would take the baby with them after she is born. I also wanted a closed adoption. I felt it would be too hard for me to see her after having her. They respected my wishes and said that if I happened to change my mind, they are more than willing for this to be an open adoption and to think about it. I told them I would.
Exactly a week later, February 6th, 2009, I got ready and left to the hospital that morning to have the cesarean. I was nervous and excited. I was ready to have her and rid of all the back and leg pains I had being pregnant with her. My friend came with me and stayed with me the whole day. It was time to go into the operating room where the cesarean was to be done. It took them a while to get the baby out cause of all the scar tissue from my previous children. This scared me, but I was reassured by the doctors that I would be just fine as well as the baby. Then this baby girl was out and placed on the table about 8 feet from me at 1:20pm. She came out a healthy 8lbs and 1 oz and 20 inches long. My eyes began to flood when I saw and heard her cry. She was real and she is her own little self detached from my belly. The doctor picked her up, wrapped her in a hospital blanket and placed her next to my face. “She is so beautiful,” I gasped. Her beautiful red hair and gleaming blue eyes. She is finally here.
The doctors took me to the recovery room, where I rested for the remaining of the day. By evening I decided I DID want to see her. So they brought her to the room and I fell so much in love with her. I know I did the right thing.
The next three weeks were painful. I cried myself to sleep every night. I missed the feeling of her kicking in my belly. I missed the smell of her new baby smell from when she was born. I missed the feeling of holding her in my arms, while she slept so peacefully. I felt empty.
I felt like she was to be here in my bed, in my arms, eating and then falling asleep. Then waking up 4 times in the night, longing for my warmth and attention. None of this was with me. She is with her family and now it is time to adjust.
Amazingly, my children did well with knowing that they were not having their baby sister home with us. I explained to them that God gave me this baby to give to this family. This is what the Lord wants. Someday, we will have our own little one. But now she is with her chosen family. They grew to understand and love the Lord so much that he can give miracles to people in small packages.
I love my two children and wouldn’t trade them for anything else. I am so blessed that the Lord has trusted me to take care of his two little angels that I call Noel and Adrianna. I am so blessed to have my, now fiancé Josh, in our lives. I am so blessed that the Lord has chosen me to go on this journey and have me as a carrier of a miracle for another family.
I could not do this without the Lord.
The journey has its ups and downs. I have my fair share of ups and downs with it.
The family that I chose for this little girl, named her Carlie Jean. I like the name very much so. It has a little bit of remembrance with my name, Carol. She is a year old now and growing so fast. It is hard for me to believe it has already been 1 year. I have had little contact with this precious angel. I saw her once in December, 10 months after her birth. I made a blanket for her for Christmas. As much as I want visits with her, unfortunately I don’t get those as much as I want. I understand that she is with her family and I am not her family anymore. It leaves me in confusion that I went through all this and it was quite hard for me to make the decision, to little contact. I am blessed that I do get emails time from time and pictures. But the first year is hard, very hard. I know that she is in the best place I could give her. I thank the Lord for giving me this opportunity to give her a better life. I pray for her often. I know that when the time comes, we will meet again.
